My Forever Journey

Follow my forever journey here: http://anorasjourney.blogspot.com/

Long overdue

I keep thinking, man it's been so long since I've blogged...I have so much to say!  But when I actually make a moment to write, my mind goes blank.  So I apologize in advance if this blog isn't very succinct.  

The last couple of months have been pretty taxing, not just for me and my family, but for everyone.  The subzero temperatures have made this winter nearly impossible to enjoy, plus the frigid temps have wrecked havoc on vehicles and homes.  It's hard to stay positive and set goals when it's all "doom and gloom" everywhere.  However, I feel during difficult times is when setting goals is most important.

At the beginning of February, we changed to a new gym that is closer to home which includes far less equipment and people.  The atmosphere was completely different than what I had become accustom to, which I actually unexpectedly have grown to like.  I thought I would miss the social aspect from the gym I had been previously attending.  However, quite the opposite has happened.  Without this becoming any sort of pity party, I would like to share a moment of realization that I had.  Reflecting with a friend the other day on how I missed the old gym faces, I realized that no one from our previous gym has messaged me, called or texted....at this point, it's been three weeks.  I have reached out with a comment or two on Facebook posts but with barely an awknowledgement in return.  This has forced me to take a deep look inward.

I am working out to impress noone, except myself.  

I am working out to compete with noone, but myself.  

I do not need acceptance from anyone, except from myself.  

I never realized how heavily I still relied on others for motivation, acceptance and approval, particularly during my gym time!  I'm saddened to no longer see those faces, but I also realize they had become a crutch for me.  I know that in passing there would be (and have been) a limited, but friendly exchange of hellos. That'll do. 

This last week in particular has been freeing.  I have been forced to challenge myself.  I also have two accountabili-buddies, my  best friend Jodi and my husband.  They  push me to do my personal best and hold me accountable to my exercise and eating.  They've always been there all along, but were overshadowed by my desire to fit in with the "gym crowd."  

A week and a half ago I set up a mini goal to lose 2 pounds in a week.  See, from November through mid-February I lost zero pounds, still gymed the same number of days in a week yet lost not a pound.  After changing gyms, I admittedly struggled the first couple weeks.  I went and I was able to focus on running, but still felt a little deflated.  Jodi and I had a couple of deep conversations about our goals and frustrations which has in turn, helped to intensify our workouts.  Also helps that the stressors that were holding me back have subsided.  We are in a groove, and feeling accomplished.  I met (well, exceeded) my goal for the first week.   This week I want to lose another 2 pounds and Sunday I'll weigh in.  I've really honed in my eating, strictly weighing and measuring everything and counting calories. This won't be how I eat forever, but it's what is best for me right now.  I still drink my shakes due to convenience, but I count those calories just the same.  

So back to the importance of goals! During the easy times, it's just that....easy.  But during the hard times, I know that I need to set smaller goals.  Setting goals gives me something to look forward to and push towards.  Something to, in a sense, give me tunnel vision and force me to focus.  

So although I never stopped, although I have kept on going, somehow I can still say I'm back!

Top left - I have some arm muscles!  

Top right - my sweaty buddy and I 

Bottom left - great workout!

Bottom right - I cut my own shirt...first attempt, need more

Practice :)

(Please note that I understand larger gyms with lots of equipment, people and support is not necessarily a bad thing and it's what some people need - it's what I needed for quite a while!)

Running in a Thong

When I hear someone say they don't have time to workout or eat healthy, I cringe.  I cringe because I used to operate on the same mentality - too busy, too tired, too this or too that.  Excuses fuel the CANNOT DO mindset and then in turn, confidence is lost.

Today, rushing from one thing to the next without breathing room is very typical.  It's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of life.  I know that once my alarm goes off (and sometimes even before), my brain starts going through the list for the day.  Then, as we get ourselves dressed and ready for the day, we are also getting the kids going, packing the day bags, making breakfast, and of course, making coffee.  By the time we head for the door, we are feeling ready for the day and frantic all at the same time.  It's easy to take care of everyone else and put ourselves last, right moms?

I really feel that the biggest mistake moms in particular make is not putting themselves first.  Then, when we don't accomplish our goals, that's when excuses come in to play and we use those excuses to make it "okay" to not accomplish our goals.  Every time another goal falls through the cracks, a little piece of us goes with it.  In no time flat we are left deflated, defeated and lacking worth.  We can hide those feelings for a long time until one day we realize how unhappy we have actually become.  

The best thing I ever did for my family was to put my health first.  Three years ago was the first time I seriously embraced my fitness and health for more than just the vanity of it.  After losing 50 pounds and feeling the best I've ever felt, I knew I was on the path to changing my life.  Then, after a bout of laziness while pregnant with our now 1 year old, all of that has been put back into perspective for me again.  I found after gaining the weight back that I was blue, even during the happiest time of my life.  Starting back on our weightloss and fitness journey has helped me find my confidence and happiness again.

Just like everyone, I'm busy.  I rush from one thing to the next, but I no longer make excuses - I pack my healthy snacks, I pack my workout clothes, and we plan our workout times.  I get tired, I am sore, and I sometimes just "don't wanna", but I'm not letting excuses hold me back anymore.  I am important.  

And yes, I've forgotten "certain" workout clothes and had to run in a thong.  Not my brightest moment but also, not as uncomfortable as one would think.

Make your health a priority.  

No excuses in 2014.

Anora13.myvi.net

Time to Change it up!

First, this is a tough week and I truly appreciate my friends reaching out to make sure I'm okay.  Thank you.  Your outpourings of love keep me smiling.  

As you know from my last blog, I have been stuck.  My good friend Jodi did some research and suggested that I change my routine.  So I'm bringing back the couch to 5K app and passing on the meltdowns (sorry to my meltdown buddies...we shall meltdown one day again).  Really, I just need a break from meltdowns - 6 months is awhile to do the same exact exercises.

Today I was back to day one of Couch to 5K.  It went great.  I'm sure I won't be saying that in a couple weeks, I have to say it was a great change of pace (ha) and my body feels energized yet worked.  It won't be easy the entire time.  It'll get more difficult.   But I'm up for a new challenge.  Last night as I was Watching Seamus waddling as he learns to perfect his walk, it was a great metaphor for me - I just have to keep trying...keep doing and never give up.  

Day (almost) 100

Confession time: I skipped the gym today.   

Yes, I feel a little guilt inside.  I worried about what my workout buddies think.  I was concerned how this would be received by my "followers."  However, with all the things happening (which I can't wait to publicly share), plus doing two meltdowns a day, 5-days per week....I needed a little extra break.  So I took one.  

Now it's the end of the day, and as I reflect on my choice to play gym-hookey, as much as I missed it, I think it was good for me at the same time.  Over the last five months, I've been super dedicated and stringent about going; by skipping today and ultimately forcing myself to be okay with that, it was a big step in showing myself that I'm completely imperfect and that is perfectly alright.

Tomorrow will be my 100th day at the gym.  Coincidence?  We shall celebrate with two meltdowns (Patrick suggests three if we can squeeze them all in before Akira's dance class).  

Our First 90

Confession: I'm extremely embarrassed to post this because I am mortified by my before pictures.  However, I keep reminding myself, that's the old me.  I will never be her again, because I am sick of starting over. I will only keep going. 

This....is why I go to the gym 5-days a week.  

This....is why I Mad Dance every week. 

I can do things now that I have never been able to do my entire life, even including two years ago when I lost so much weight - I lacked lean muscle.  I can do an entire workout based around push-ups, side kicks through an entire dance song, planks, 130 squats and still going...I will finish the squat challenge and complete 250 squats......push-ups, push-ups, push-ups!  As my husband says, "Doing things you have never done before, in your entire life, is AMAZING."

I ViSalus not because it's a magic shake that will make me lose weight.  but I ViSalus because I know I have issues with food and ViSalus takes the worry out if eating.  It is convenient, healthy, easy to make and cheaper than eating out for lunch.  I never, not one time, have felt guilty for drinking a shake.  I know my body is getting fueled properly.  I know that by eating within my calorie allotment, I will be where I want to be.  

I will reach my goals because I believe in myself so I know I will see the results!

Our first 90-Day Challenge is complete. I have lost 13 inches and 18 pounds.  Patrick has lost 12.5 inches, 15 pounds and he's gained a lot of defined muscle...I assure you ;)

Let's see where 90 more takes us. 

Anora:   anora.myvi.net

Patrick:   pmo.myvi.net

Failure

I’ve definitely failed a number of times in my life, but the most disappointing is to fail at the same thing over and over and over.  For me, that is losing weight.

As I entered into High School, I wanted to join the track/cross country team in hopes to jump start into a fit lifestyle.  Unfortunately the school I transferred to didn’t offer those programs.  I tried to run on my own, but without the support from a team or coach, I quickly lost interest. 

Starting college, I knew I needed to make some changes or I’d gain weight.  I was assigned an athletic room-mate, which was inspiring, but since I was closed up, I never asked for support or help from anyone.  In order to stay ‘healthy’ I drank slim fast shakes, took diet pills and went to the gym [on an irregular basis].  That was my smallest size as an adult…I could squeeze myself into a 10.  Sadly, this was what I perceived as healthy only because I didn't have the correct knowledge of how to lose weight and build muscle the right way.

After college [during my first marriage], I was able to stay right about a 12 until I was pregnant with our first baby.  [After babies I ranged between a 14 and an 18.]  I gained 25 pounds during that pregnancy, which I consider decent for a first child.  The problem was that I lost some of it, not all of it….and then I slowly gained it back.  After seeing pictures of myself at Westley’s first birthday party, I decided to join a gym.  I started going to South Side Gym in Charlevoix and worked with the owner Dean.  What an absolute Godsend!  He had me at the gym 6 days a week in no time.  He also helped design a meal plan that was healthy and fulfilling.  In three months, the pounds started melting off and I was getting healthy for the first time in my life.

Then, at the beginning of my fourth month, I found out I was pregnant.  This wasn’t a complete surprise, we had planned this pregnancy, but it wrecked more havoc on my mind, body and spirit than I had ever anticipated.  I slowly tapered going to the gym, until I just wasn’t going at all.  There were other things going on in my life at that time as well….Thankfully through the emotional eating, laziness and pregnancy, I somehow only gained 20 pounds. 

Through the next several years, I worked out on and off – typically running for a few weeks.  I cooked fairly healthy meals most of the time, but never really pushed myself again.  I allowed myself to get wrapped up in everyday life and lost focus of myself [in a lot of ways].  Generally speaking, my weight was in an upward momentum, just a slow one.  I didn’t notice a pound or two here and there until slowly I was at my highest [non-pregnant] weight. 

I have spent the last couple of years working on myself emotionally.  I’ve come to a much better place in my life and greater understanding of myself.  Pathways Seminars has played a huge role in my changes over the last couple of years, helping me to change my thinking patterns.  The support that I receive from my friends at Pathways and the new friends I have made over the past couple of years has helped me to just be the me – the dorky, awkward, silly….real me. 

This past January, I married my best friend [and biggest fan].  After looking at our wedding pictures, my heart sank.  The worst part is that I allowed myself to get to this point.  This time, I reached out for more help than ever before.  Now that I was emotionally happy, I needed to focus on my health.  With the support from my friends Stacy, Tom, and Randi and of course from my husband, I have been able to stick to this change. 

Looking back, I see so many times that I have tried and failed miserably.  I beat myself up over every little mishap.  What I have learned is that by focusing on the fear of failing, I was setting myself up to fail.  Now, I know that I’ll have my bad days.  Overall, by focusing on each day individually and doing my best that day, I have seen a world of difference. 

For example, I stood on the scale this morning to find that I have only lost a ½ of a pound.  Talk about a huge disappointment.  I worked extra hard this week only to find myself at a ½ a pound loss?  In a previous time of my life I would have probably given up slowly, beat myself up or started taking diet pills.  Instead, I’ve realized that I’m building muscle and not every week can be a huge loss.  Am I disappointed, absolutely…but I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing with the knowledge that over all - I have lost a lot [I’m nearly halfway to my goal].  I’ve made some major changes in my life and I’m headed in the right direction.  

Ultimately, I will reach my goal.  Period. 

12

A friend of mine asked me the other day “what size is your goal size.”  As you know from my previous blog entry, since 2002 I have never been smaller than a size 14.  During the first two years of college at NMU I wore a size 12, I remember one time trying to squeeze into a 10 [It didn’t work out so well].  So, yes, I do have hopes and desires on sizes, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that sort of goal.  I’m just excited to be getting smaller, healthier and confident.

I must say I am super excited to be officially wearing a size 12 today!!  SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT! Here’s the story of new pants:  In need of a new suit coat and pants that aren’t saggy in the ass, I decided to stop and try some things on.  Although I couldn’t find suit coats, I did try on pants.  I naturally grabbed a size 14, tried them on, they fit.  End of story, go make the purchase.  That’s when I heard my dear friend Stacy in my head telling me I should try on the next size down.  So I reluctantly ran out, grabbed a size 12 and tried them on.  I got a little excited when I pulled them up all the way [even passed my thighs!] and then I could feel disappointment building in my chest as I expected for them to not button…..but they DID!  And they fit perfectly.  And that’s when the tears started.  A size 12!?  It’s been about 10 years since I’ve worn a 12.  

On Monday, I started the last week of my Couch to 5K training program and completed 3.1 miles.  Nine weeks ago, I could barely run one minute before I had to walk; now I’m running for 30 minutes straight.  Thirty minutes!  I used to run on and off, but the longest I’ve ever focused on my health was four months back in 2006.  After that there were times where I’d go jogging a couple times a week for a few months, but then I’d create excuses….and stop all together.  This is the first time I’ve actually made a lifestyle change and will not be going back.  I am WORTH  all the hard work I'm putting into myself.  After so many years, I’m starting to see that.  

fear

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can.   For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run

So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulge.  Everyone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.