Friday, May 20, 2011


Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.
~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run
So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulgeEveryone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.


  1. You are such an inspiration!!!! Before our kids attended school together I don't think I've ever meet you really!!! And I'm so glad I have! What your doing is wonderful thank you for sharing your story and inspiration!!!

  2. <3 I'm glad I can motivate and inspire others. I know how it feels to be trapped and feel stuck...been there MANY times. I'm glad we are becoming friends (even if it is mostly digitally...haha). :)

  3. This is amazing! Im so proud of you! it takes so much courage to face your fears. I am still battleing this. The only time i ever run is at night when noone is around. I have a fear of people watching me run. It was fine when i used to live in the country but now that i live in a city... its harder. I hope one day i can be as brave as you. Congratz and great job! Thanks for sharing!

  4. My sweet, wonderful daughter you are an excetional woman, and I honestly think you should do motivational speaking, because you are helping so many others with the courageous journey your on. I pray to God every night to give you the strength to continue on, and I see it happening, and we are so proud of you. Keep the faith, and remember your always in our thoughts, love and miss you... Mom2 ;)

  5. Ziggle - Please know that I can TOTALLY relate to your *fear* of running in front of people. I too struggle with that (did you read my blog Behind the Sweatshirt)? Let me tell you two things that keep me going: 1) I was confessing the fear of people seeing me run and fear of judgement (fat jiggling, going too slow, etc) to my brother, and he basically told me this - who cares if they see you? They are ridiculous for casting judgement on someone for getting healthy. He's right, anyone who is also on the journey of health would be supporting, all others are probably just lazy and catty. 2) I have lived most of my life caring too strongly about what people thought of me. I'm almost 30 and have come to the decision that if someone is judgmental and superficial, that's unfortunate for them. I *choose* to be happy, healthy and shoot for my goals [AND SUCCEED].

    and lastly I want to throw in there that by no means am I perfect in my thoughts, I certainly still fret before my runs, but I remind myself of the two things that I mentioned and just go. I can't let other people control my health/workouts. This is about me getting healthy now. can do it. The more you put it off, the more you feed that fear.

  6. Brenda - Thank you so much for your kind words, support and love. I am thankful to have such a wonderful family who are rooting for me to succeed.

    Previously in my life I felt so alone, but I realize now that all I had to do is reach out and ask for help. And now, by making my journey so public, I feel more support and encouragement than I ever thought possible.

    I know I can succeed and I truly look forward to *actually* finishing this time, actually reaching my goals. For the first time in my life, I really am confident that I can get there.

    Thanks for always being understanding, positive, and encouraging! <3

  7. I can totally relate to this. Twice I've gotten down to where I could almost shop in the "normal" section of stores and something has happened and I gained weight back. I've gone back and forth with myself, wondering if I'm sabotaging myself purposely because I don't know HOW to be thin. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this fear! I've thankfully found my motivation again and am off the medication that helped me gain an extra 20lbs off the already huge number I need to lose and need to get back to the sweat, soreness and sometimes tears and fight back against that voice in my brain. You however, are doing AMAZING! Your story is really inspiring to me because I want to get to a place where I know that getting to my goal and STAYING there is attainable and stop letting my emotional eating and self sabotage ruin all my hard work!

  8. First....I went to NMU in 2001! I bet we passed by eachother without even knowing!

    And secondly, I am struggling with the fears right now too. I've always been a 14/16 since high school (but fluctuated up to about a sz 20) and now that I'm a 12, I feel like I"m mentally stuck here. I have another 15 lbs to go to meet my goal (and if I lose another 5 lbs I will weigh less than I have since I can remember) but now all my (and I know this sounds absurd) favorite comfy clothes don't fit anymore. Stuff I've had for like a decade and some of my favorite pants and shirts are all big and I guess it's like I have some sort of weird attachment to them.
    ----your cousin-in-law Dana :)

  9. To the girl who loves cupcakes - I love them too. (hehe) I'm with you girl, I used to sabotage myself, at least that's my belief of what happened. For whatever reason I was more comfortable a little over weight (or real heavy) instead of at a 'normal' size. This time, I have too many people out there rooting me on and supporting me to allow me to fail again.

    My Cousin-in-law Dana! No way about NMU! How cool is that, sad we never knew each other though. You look awesome by the way (from what I can see on FB). I know what you mean about those pesky comfy clothes - I'm feeling the emotional (and financial) burden of getting new clothes. It's sad to say goodbye to the clothes I've had for so long. Most of which I got around the time I had my son (almost 7 years ago). I say we let them go and rejoice in our new bodies!! We have worked DAMN hard for it! :) xoxo