Failure

I’ve definitely failed a number of times in my life, but the most disappointing is to fail at the same thing over and over and over.  For me, that is losing weight.

As I entered into High School, I wanted to join the track/cross country team in hopes to jump start into a fit lifestyle.  Unfortunately the school I transferred to didn’t offer those programs.  I tried to run on my own, but without the support from a team or coach, I quickly lost interest. 

Starting college, I knew I needed to make some changes or I’d gain weight.  I was assigned an athletic room-mate, which was inspiring, but since I was closed up, I never asked for support or help from anyone.  In order to stay ‘healthy’ I drank slim fast shakes, took diet pills and went to the gym [on an irregular basis].  That was my smallest size as an adult…I could squeeze myself into a 10.  Sadly, this was what I perceived as healthy only because I didn't have the correct knowledge of how to lose weight and build muscle the right way.

After college [during my first marriage], I was able to stay right about a 12 until I was pregnant with our first baby.  [After babies I ranged between a 14 and an 18.]  I gained 25 pounds during that pregnancy, which I consider decent for a first child.  The problem was that I lost some of it, not all of it….and then I slowly gained it back.  After seeing pictures of myself at Westley’s first birthday party, I decided to join a gym.  I started going to South Side Gym in Charlevoix and worked with the owner Dean.  What an absolute Godsend!  He had me at the gym 6 days a week in no time.  He also helped design a meal plan that was healthy and fulfilling.  In three months, the pounds started melting off and I was getting healthy for the first time in my life.

Then, at the beginning of my fourth month, I found out I was pregnant.  This wasn’t a complete surprise, we had planned this pregnancy, but it wrecked more havoc on my mind, body and spirit than I had ever anticipated.  I slowly tapered going to the gym, until I just wasn’t going at all.  There were other things going on in my life at that time as well….Thankfully through the emotional eating, laziness and pregnancy, I somehow only gained 20 pounds. 

Through the next several years, I worked out on and off – typically running for a few weeks.  I cooked fairly healthy meals most of the time, but never really pushed myself again.  I allowed myself to get wrapped up in everyday life and lost focus of myself [in a lot of ways].  Generally speaking, my weight was in an upward momentum, just a slow one.  I didn’t notice a pound or two here and there until slowly I was at my highest [non-pregnant] weight. 

I have spent the last couple of years working on myself emotionally.  I’ve come to a much better place in my life and greater understanding of myself.  Pathways Seminars has played a huge role in my changes over the last couple of years, helping me to change my thinking patterns.  The support that I receive from my friends at Pathways and the new friends I have made over the past couple of years has helped me to just be the me – the dorky, awkward, silly….real me. 

This past January, I married my best friend [and biggest fan].  After looking at our wedding pictures, my heart sank.  The worst part is that I allowed myself to get to this point.  This time, I reached out for more help than ever before.  Now that I was emotionally happy, I needed to focus on my health.  With the support from my friends Stacy, Tom, and Randi and of course from my husband, I have been able to stick to this change. 

Looking back, I see so many times that I have tried and failed miserably.  I beat myself up over every little mishap.  What I have learned is that by focusing on the fear of failing, I was setting myself up to fail.  Now, I know that I’ll have my bad days.  Overall, by focusing on each day individually and doing my best that day, I have seen a world of difference. 

For example, I stood on the scale this morning to find that I have only lost a ½ of a pound.  Talk about a huge disappointment.  I worked extra hard this week only to find myself at a ½ a pound loss?  In a previous time of my life I would have probably given up slowly, beat myself up or started taking diet pills.  Instead, I’ve realized that I’m building muscle and not every week can be a huge loss.  Am I disappointed, absolutely…but I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing with the knowledge that over all - I have lost a lot [I’m nearly halfway to my goal].  I’ve made some major changes in my life and I’m headed in the right direction.  

Ultimately, I will reach my goal.  Period.