Recap! 50 Pounds GONE!

One of my best friends is starting a Biggest Loser Challenge with a group of ladies and it made me remember that I haven't blogged in FOREVER!  So I thought I'd jump on and do some recapping.

It's closing in on one year since I started this whole journey, January 10th is when I started half ass'd and January 17th is when I jumped in with two feet and counted everything that went into my mouth.  According to my doctor scale I have lost 50 pounds (my scale says 49).  My goal at the beginning of all this was to lose 60 pounds, but in all honesty, I really didn't think I'd even lose 10 pounds.  I thought it would be the same as it always has been, I'd lose some and then gain it all back within a short time.

I am in a smaller size now than I was in High School (that's right, WHAT!).  I weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant with either of my children.  I'm at 153 currently and when I got pregnant with Westley (almost 8 years ago) I weighed about 165 and when I got pregnant with Akira (almost 6 years ago) I weighed somewhere around 175-180.  My highest non-pregnant weight was 202-205, I was to devastated to really see it clearly, and always just went with 202, but I am certain it was higher than that.

In this (almost) year, I have only had McDonalds/Wendy's/Burger King type fast food 1 time and that was when we went to White Castle upon my return from Australia (by the way...gross, don't do that to yourselves EVER).  I don't count Subway as fast food, it was actually a staple for me because I know exactly how many calories I could have and I NEVER get cheese.  I have indulged in TacoBell a few times in this year.  The tacos are 170 calories and it was totally worth the splurge to me (the closest one is 40 minutes away).

I read through my blogs again over this year and cried.  The person who wrote those first few blogs in 2010 and the ones even in 2011 is NOT the same person I am today.  Sure, I'd like to lose another 10 pounds to reach my original 60 pound loss goal.  However, in all honesty, in the last two months I have just really been embracing this new Thinner, Healthier me.

I feel beautiful and sexy, two things I absolutely did not feel before.  I feel confident!  I don't hate my picture being taken and best of all, I don't cringe when I see surprise pictures that I didn't know were being taken.  I smile more.  My husband can touch me without me pulling away in disgust or feeling uncomfortable....and my husband can actually wrap his arms around me completely for a hug!  THAT is a wonderful thing.

I had boudoir pictures taken.  Something I NEVER thought I'd do.  As much as I'd love to post one of the more discrete ones on here, I don't want them all over the internet.  haha.  But having those pictures done was so freeing and unspeakably amazing.  My body still has its bulges and stretchmarks, but I felt so accomplished having it done - I kept thinking, LOOK HOW FAR I HAVE COME!!

I could not have gotten to this place without SUPPORT.  So, if you are struggling as I did --->  FIND SUPPORT.  If you don't have support in friends and family, find it with online groups or local weight loss groups.  I needed accountability and support and I assure you, if I did not have someone to keep me honest, I would not have lost a single pound.  Even when I tried to skew my results, I felt guilty and ended up coming clean.  The best part about loving support, is they didn't make me feel like shit, they just helped me brush off my mistake and push to do better next time.  The better and better I got, the more I succeeded!

I have quit smoking again.  So I still have succeeded with quitting by the end of 2011.  Just had to happen twice.  :)

And Last....just a shout out to my Mom in Australia.  She started using myfitnesspal.com, now her doctor recommends it to her patients.  My mom has lost over 50 pounds as well and looks F***ing amazing.  My friends Stacy and Tom, along with my husband as well, were my partners in crime on this journey...they all have lost substantial numbers.  It's all about dedication, and support.  Never ever ever ever Give up.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for your loving support.

This is not the end, this is just the beginning............

LEFT: Jan 15, 2011  Our Wedding Day

RIGHT: Dec. 9, 2011  My 30th Birthday Party

Confessions & Realizations

Confessions                                                                          Realizations

I haven’t exercised since July 16’s 5K                            I miss running.

I’m not eating enough calories                                         I’m a bit stressed.

I have been smoking again                                               Failure.

I’ve lost 41 pounds                                                            And I still feel fat. 

Here are some pictures of Patrick and myself in our wedding attire.

Other than my disappointment in smoking again, I am pretty proud of my accomplishments so far.  I'm looking to lose another 19 pounds before the end of the year (I am down 41 pounds and 42 inches).  I haven't had time to blog because of the busyness of my job and just...life.  I have had a lot of stress lately (which I have shared with some of you) and add in the hustle and bustle of summer, GAH! I needed a way quick way to deal.  Not to excuse any of my bad habits, but I'm still super proud that I haven't gone back to my old eating habits.  The fact that I have overcome that battle of my life (and boy, has it been a loooong battle) and have lost over 40 pounds tells me, I can do anything. So I know that I can (and will) quit again, I had to take....just....one....thing off my plate for now.  

I'm sorry to dissapoint anyone, but I'm only human and we all make mistakes.  

I do want to say THANK YOU to everyone who continues to support me, love me and encourage me on this journey.  Especially my husband and our "get healthy" partners - Stacy and Tom (who have together lost over 125 pounds - last I heard).  

Owning it!

I was so upset last week because I just started my 10K training program and on the third day…boom, shin splints.  I felt super motivated, energized and ready to rock it out.  Then part way through my run I was in tears from the excruciating pain.  I slowly and tenderly walked back to my car, with salty drips of frustration coming from my eyes…maybe I’m being slightly dramatic, but really, it’s extremely frustrating for me.  I’m ready mentally and my body says – Nope….too soon.  So listening to my body, I gave myself another [almost] week off. 

Today I eased into another run…mostly by mistake.  I wanted to attempt roller blading while pushing the kids in the stroller, it seemed like it would be easier.  HA!  Pushing 120 pounds while roller blading for the first time in YEARS [too many to even attempt counting] was a lot harder than I assumed it would be.  I wimped out after 10 minutes [fail] and ran instead [win].  I could feel my shin pinching, so I slowed my pace.  I decided to not push too much and did about a 20 minute run plus 25 minutes of walking.  If you add in the 10 minutes of roller blading that’s a 55 minute workout – so I feel pretty good about that. 

The other day I was looking for quotes for a new tattoo [which I’ll explain shortly] and I found this quote from Jillian Michaels:  When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the "I still have more to go" crap.  You worked hard and you deserve the compliment!

The quote made me think of how I struggle with compliments.  Any time Patrick, or friends and family have complimented me on my success [so far], I of course thank them and usually add a comment about how far I still have to go…or other random negative things.  So keeping that at the forefront of my thoughts lately, I’m trying really hard to just say ‘thank you’ and end it there.  Tonight after our…well, after my workout…the kids and I stopped at Glen’s to pick up dinner because there was no way this Mama was cooking.   I ran into someone I haven’t seen since probably close to December and she says to me “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight, haven’t you?” and I said “Yes, I have.  36 pounds so far.”  As the number 36 rolled of my lips I thought, my GOSH that’s a lot [only 4 pounds from my new Silver Jeans].  Then she said to me, “You look great!”  Embarrassed as usual I felt the warmth of blushing in my cheeks and I simply answered “Thank you.  Thank you very much.”  And right then and there my friends, I owned every bit of that 36 pound loss.  Every ounce lost, every shin splinting pain, every ibuprofen I’ve had to take….I owned it.  I felt really proud and it felt good.  [I’m such a sap…tearing up just typing that].

So about the tattoo…our dear friends Tom and Stacy Heath have been working close with us at this weight loss stuff.  Holding each other accountable, bitching to each other when we’re frustrated, and just supporting each other…you know, the whole 9 yards [whatever that means].  So Patrick and I had this brilliant idea to get some sort of tattoo once we have all reached our goal weight.  The tats do not have to match, but we’ll all go together.  I’m sure there will be some emotional tears as this has been quite a life changing and motivating process for all of us. 

I’m looking to create something that will really express what this whole journey has meant to me.  I’ve thought about maybe one of my favorite quotes or maybe a symbol that represents the meaning in the quote.  For example I love this quote:  Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use. ~Earl Nightingale   The quote itself is a little long, so I thought of maybe doing a vintage looking pocket watch [location of tattoo to be determined…open to suggestion, although would like to keep it somewhere easy to cover up]

I also love the quote: All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison   So I could just put the words ‘I am nobody but myself’ possibly on my ribs….Any other tattoo ideas my friends?

PS - Wish me luck at my 3^rd 5K on Saturday!

From Self-Loathing to Self-Love

Every day I get the Jillian Michaels Newsletter via email, which I thoroughly enjoy.  Last Friday there was a quiz called “From Self-Loathing to Self-Love.”  This forced me to think about how many times in my life I have looked at myself, only to find every single imperfection and sometimes even calling myself names.  At [too many] times in my life, I have been my own worst enemy. 

As I have changed my lifestyle and habits, my body has obviously changed as well.  The thing that I struggle with the most is appreciating the changes that are taking place and realizing [or maybe it’s more like accepting] that I actually…am looking…better. 

Some days I look in the mirror and think, oh my gosh, I’m getting smaller and I’m looking great.  But, the longer I look, I start to find things wrong.  I say to myself, “oh, but look at my stomach…it isn’t flat and my thighs rub, and my hips…oh my hips….”  Then I end up leaving the bathroom worse than when I started off.  Far worse. 

Since writing my blog about Fear, I have started to change that thought process.  When I look in the mirror I try to only look long enough to see just the good things.  Then I walk away.  Now, with saying this, I will be the first to say that I am FAR from perfect at this technique, but it still has helped a lot. 

For anyone following my Blogs, you remember reading about my struggles from running in baggy pants and sweatshirts and having to make the transition to T-shirts due to the temperature change….spring.  Well the transition into summer has encouraged me to try shorts.  Yea, you read that right, I ran in shorts [and a tank top].  This was not only a major feat for me, but it was also…a big mistake.  The feat was that I ran in shorts and a tank top.  The mistake…well, I hope that anyone who’s thighs touch would understand.  Regardless, I am so proud of myself.  I never wear shorts; let alone working out in shorts. 

So far I have lost 35 inches and 34.4 pounds.  Five more pounds and I get a new pair of SILVER JEANS.  By the way, I’ve never owned a pair of silver jeans.  I don’t even know where to buy them…haha.  How lame is that!?  Based on my losses so far, I should reach my 40 pound loss by August 1^st.  So, if someone could kindly direct me in the direction of Silvers, that would be fantastic!  haha

Me and Slim <3

To Take the Quiz, click here!  

My quiz results: From Self-Loathing to Self-Love

  

Pretty Good

You're doing better than most. You know who you are and what you're about. For the most part you feel deserving, and more often than not you put pursuit of happiness at the top of the list. You can get stuck in a rut, but you work hard to dig your way out of it. You are secure enough to work on yourself and will lean on friends and family when you absolutely have to, because you know that when their time of need comes, you can also be supportive.




PS - My burn is MUCH better :)

A Surprise Visit, a Bad Burn and My First 5K

It has certainly been a crazy busy few weeks.  I haven’t had a single moment to blog because I had a surprise visit from a very special person…MY MOM!  Eight years ago my Mom took a very courageous step in her life and moved to Australia.  She met a great man via the Internet and after a couple of years of shorts visits and online communication she made the difficult decision to move.  It’s been three years since I last saw my Mom and Stepdad [they were here visiting].  When Patrick and I got engaged last summer they secretly made the decision to come and surprise us.  They have been quietly collaborating with my Brother and Sister-in-Law since late last summer.  It was a FANTASTIC surprise and I have enjoyed every moment spent with them.  Even with the Internet, Facebook and Skype, it’s still not the same as in-person visiting. 

My Beautiful Mother, Myself and My Sister-In-Law

On June 13th we were enjoying a beautiful evening outside using our above ground fire pit [with lid of course].  Well the lid was removed and I walked right into it, severely burning my shin.  I have kept it very well cared for, Patrick tells me I’m very meticulous about keeping it cleaned and wrapped.  I didn’t realize how long it takes for burns to heal.  I decided to take a week off from running [again] because I was having some bruising around the wounded area with shooting pain and hot spots.  I learned quickly from my shin splints that I need to listen to my body and take the time off.  Plus it gave me some extra time to visit with my family. 

Back in January my dear friend Randi signed us up for this 5K as a push to get us moving towards our goals.  I can’t thank her enough for giving me no choices and making this commitment with me.  At the end of March I started the Couch to 5K Program and now I’m up to running 30-45 minute runs several times a week.  **I recently decided I’d start the Bridge to 10K Program [from the same creators as C25K] once my Mom and Stepdad head home.**

So, coming up on my 5K, I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to run this race due to the pain and bruising.  Plus having a week off from running just prior to my race seemed like an obvious set back as well.  From the beginning of my training, I set a goal time of 40 minutes or less.  Leading up to the race this week, I just kept telling myself; at least you’re doing the race and changed my goal to “Just finish the race.” 

This morning Randi and I nervously set out for our first 5K – we cranked our headphones, found our pace [12 minute mile] and soon realized that we both felt great.  As we approached the halfway mark I checked our time - only approximately 17 minutes had passed!  We realized that we were doing really well and that we could finish in 40 minutes.  We pushed along and when we saw the finish, we sprinted to the end.  As we crossed the finish line the time clicked over to 38 minutes.  My heart screamed with excitement!  I did it in less than 40 minutes!  It was awesome to have my husband and Mom there to root us on and support us at the finish and it was also very awesome to run with one of my best friends. 

We made our way to the registration area where you could get your official run time and fuel your body with healthy food.  When I saw our official time was 37:17 I felt an overwhelming sense of pride.  When I had done a trial run, I completed the 3.1 miles in 42 minutes.  This was 5 minutes faster.  I truly felt great too, like I could have run longer.  What an awesome sense of accomplishment.  I look forward to improving my time each race – my next is July 16^th in Petoskey. 

Slow and Steady

For someone who doesn’t count calories or keep track of their food intake, I’m sure I look like a crazy person: weighing my chicken, measuring my vegetables, reading labels and entering calories into my phone app.  But what I have found is, if I am not diligent with these things I give up!  Remember my blog about Failures?  I have done this many times before.  I’ve had ‘mini goals’ and even purchased goal clothing [which, by the way, I have never been able to wear….but this time, I’m very close].  I’ve done weight watchers, calorie counting and other weight loss techniques.  Until this time around, I’ve never been held accountable for these things.  I’d do it for a few weeks but then, I’d slowly allow bad habits to start creeping back into my life. 

You know, it can be embarrassing to be that person  who measures everything out and calculates the calories [especially in a group of people]. And a harmless comment like “oh, just let today be a free day!” or “That one little bite won’t hurt you,” is common from someone who doesn’t know about, or take into consideration my previous failures.  I have taken that one little bite and not counted it, many, many times in my previous attempts at weight loss and look at where it got me…right back to being overweight.

 

Counting calories and having my food diary public holds me accountable to myself, especially knowing others can see what I’m eating and how I’m exercising.  So this time it’s different because I have asked for support, made my journey public and am being held accountable by friends and even “strangers” [thank you myfitnesspal friends].

I certainly don’t want to come off as judgmental and I hope that no one feels that way.  I talk a LOT about calories, exercise, weight loss, and other health related topics.  [Stacy, there is 25 calorie cheese!! J]  I’m sure my dedication and enthusiasm could be misinterpreted and I want to be sure that is not the case.  The reason I’m semi-obsessive about counting calories and exercising, is because this time, I will not allow myself to fail.  I also know that my support system will not allow me to fail either.  One year ago, I started this blog.  Funny enough, my second blog entry was titled "Slow and Steady."  Now, I can giggle about it a little because of how far I have come.  If you have time, go back through and read my old blog entries.  You’ll see a different person because a year ago, I had failed yet again.  Not this time.

It’s an amazing feeling to see so many people getting healthy – whether that’s motivation from me or from somewhere inside themselves.  My friend Jodi now has a walking group who meets at 9 pm every evening in East Jordan.  To know that I was a catalyst to making that happen makes my heart smile.  I hope that I continue to inspire and motivate people to get healthy. 

Just remember to take the small steps and do one thing at a time.  One of Westley & Akira’s favorite books is Goofy’s Big Race.  Donald challenges Goofy to a race through town to an ice cream shop.  Goofy repeats over and over “Slow and Steady, Steady and Slow, That’s the way we always go.”  Guess who won that race? 

Guess who’s going to win MY race?  
Slow and Steady my friends, Slow and Steady.

September 2010 & January 2011 

[There are few full body shots me me!  Both of these are size 18 jeans].

Current!  New Size 12 Jeans [no, not the silvers yet, but getting close]

Halfway There!

I was stuck in this stupid, ugly, rotten, hopeless plateau.  I wasn’t losing weight. I wasn’t losing inches. I was only losing confidence.  Questioning my workouts, my eating, my beverage in-take….questioning everything I was doing [or not doing enough of].  I pushed myself harder and as a result I got nothing but a shin splint and shooting pain into my knee.  Which, of course, led me into a week of no running in order for my leg to recoup and heal [after seeking expert advice]. 

I’ve learned a few lessons during this last week. 

Lesson 1:  I need to be patient with my body during these intense changes.  This is new for me.  Although it has become so routine and normal for me to eat healthier [within my calorie allotment] and to work out on a regular basis, I forget that in the big picture, this is still new.  It’s only been five months.

Lesson 2: I need to push and challenge myself, but stay within my body’s [current] limits.  So maybe running up a big hill isn’t the best idea for me as a newbie runner.  Next time, I’ll challenge myself with sprints or a longer run.  Quite honestly, Zumba/Latin Dance kicks my ass [quite literally], so I think I can lay off running up hills for the moment.  [Thanks Randi for dragging me along to class in the first place!]

Lesson 3: I need to listen to my body.  I’ve been trying to listen in terms of food to eat.  For example, if I’m craving milk, I drink milk;  If I crave certain fruits, I eat them; and if I crave bad stuff [like greasy food or sweets], either Patrick will make me a delicious at-home version or I allow myself a small portion that will satisfy the craving.  [But I still won’t allow myself to eat fast food – giving that up for all of 2011…and maybe forever, I’m starting to not miss it….finally].  Anyway, where I find the lesson here, is I need to listen to my body in terms of exercise.  When I’m feeling tired and over-worked, I need to take a break.  Period.

Yesterday was fantastic.  I decided to take a half day off of work and sleep in.  I woke up to an empty house [kids are with their Dad this week and Patrick was at work].  I showered, got dressed, styled my hair and did my make-up.  Was ready to head out the door, but first I sat at the computer for a second to update my status on Facebook.  It was so quiet.  So I made a pot of coffee and relaxed for a bit.  Then I was realized I could get so much done!  I changed my clothes, put on a bandana and took the day off work!  I mowed our entire lawn [what a sweaty, dirty calorie burn.]  It was an amazing ME day.

Lesson 4:  I need to drink more H20.  Last week in my frenzy to determine “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY?!” I decided to drink more water.  I haven’t really set a daily goal, I just know want to get up to the recommended 64 ounces per day [as a minimum].  Currently I’m around 40-64 ounces depending on the day.  Sadly, that’s far better than I was doing [which was an embarrassing 4-8 ounces per day…if that]. 

In short, although I do miss running, this past week off has been good [and it helped me break that pesky plateau!]  Yea, you read that right.  The plateau that started this whole two weeks of lessons learned, gone.  I lost 3.5 pounds and now I'm officially half way to my main goal.  I have lost 30 pounds and 30.5 inches.  HALF-WAY through the year [Happy June.] and HALF-WAY to my Goal. 

P.S.  As I sit here on our back porch, sipping a Goose Island 312 [135 calories] and finishing my blog, I realize how wonderful life really is.  


Silver Jeans….here I come.

Failure

I’ve definitely failed a number of times in my life, but the most disappointing is to fail at the same thing over and over and over.  For me, that is losing weight.

As I entered into High School, I wanted to join the track/cross country team in hopes to jump start into a fit lifestyle.  Unfortunately the school I transferred to didn’t offer those programs.  I tried to run on my own, but without the support from a team or coach, I quickly lost interest. 

Starting college, I knew I needed to make some changes or I’d gain weight.  I was assigned an athletic room-mate, which was inspiring, but since I was closed up, I never asked for support or help from anyone.  In order to stay ‘healthy’ I drank slim fast shakes, took diet pills and went to the gym [on an irregular basis].  That was my smallest size as an adult…I could squeeze myself into a 10.  Sadly, this was what I perceived as healthy only because I didn't have the correct knowledge of how to lose weight and build muscle the right way.

After college [during my first marriage], I was able to stay right about a 12 until I was pregnant with our first baby.  [After babies I ranged between a 14 and an 18.]  I gained 25 pounds during that pregnancy, which I consider decent for a first child.  The problem was that I lost some of it, not all of it….and then I slowly gained it back.  After seeing pictures of myself at Westley’s first birthday party, I decided to join a gym.  I started going to South Side Gym in Charlevoix and worked with the owner Dean.  What an absolute Godsend!  He had me at the gym 6 days a week in no time.  He also helped design a meal plan that was healthy and fulfilling.  In three months, the pounds started melting off and I was getting healthy for the first time in my life.

Then, at the beginning of my fourth month, I found out I was pregnant.  This wasn’t a complete surprise, we had planned this pregnancy, but it wrecked more havoc on my mind, body and spirit than I had ever anticipated.  I slowly tapered going to the gym, until I just wasn’t going at all.  There were other things going on in my life at that time as well….Thankfully through the emotional eating, laziness and pregnancy, I somehow only gained 20 pounds. 

Through the next several years, I worked out on and off – typically running for a few weeks.  I cooked fairly healthy meals most of the time, but never really pushed myself again.  I allowed myself to get wrapped up in everyday life and lost focus of myself [in a lot of ways].  Generally speaking, my weight was in an upward momentum, just a slow one.  I didn’t notice a pound or two here and there until slowly I was at my highest [non-pregnant] weight. 

I have spent the last couple of years working on myself emotionally.  I’ve come to a much better place in my life and greater understanding of myself.  Pathways Seminars has played a huge role in my changes over the last couple of years, helping me to change my thinking patterns.  The support that I receive from my friends at Pathways and the new friends I have made over the past couple of years has helped me to just be the me – the dorky, awkward, silly….real me. 

This past January, I married my best friend [and biggest fan].  After looking at our wedding pictures, my heart sank.  The worst part is that I allowed myself to get to this point.  This time, I reached out for more help than ever before.  Now that I was emotionally happy, I needed to focus on my health.  With the support from my friends Stacy, Tom, and Randi and of course from my husband, I have been able to stick to this change. 

Looking back, I see so many times that I have tried and failed miserably.  I beat myself up over every little mishap.  What I have learned is that by focusing on the fear of failing, I was setting myself up to fail.  Now, I know that I’ll have my bad days.  Overall, by focusing on each day individually and doing my best that day, I have seen a world of difference. 

For example, I stood on the scale this morning to find that I have only lost a ½ of a pound.  Talk about a huge disappointment.  I worked extra hard this week only to find myself at a ½ a pound loss?  In a previous time of my life I would have probably given up slowly, beat myself up or started taking diet pills.  Instead, I’ve realized that I’m building muscle and not every week can be a huge loss.  Am I disappointed, absolutely…but I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing with the knowledge that over all - I have lost a lot [I’m nearly halfway to my goal].  I’ve made some major changes in my life and I’m headed in the right direction.  

Ultimately, I will reach my goal.  Period. 

Resisting the Pie

I love attending business luncheons.  I get to see people who I don’t have time to see regularly, meet new people and eat amazing food.  This past Tuesday I went to the Connecting Women in Business Luncheon hosted by the Petoskey Chamber of Commerce.  They always have such fantastic speakers; this month was Steve Rudolf on Time Management VS Priority/Energy Management.  What a perfect topic as everyone in the Hospitality Industry gears up for another busy summer – always too short on fun family time, and crazy busy with work, work, work. 

Upon arriving to the luncheon, there was a delicious piece of apple pie and a cup of mixed fruit sitting at each place setting.  In my head I had already told myself that I didn’t have room in my calories and it wasn’t going to fuel my body in a good way.  After lunch [yummy quiche] was finished, everyone at my table grabbed their pies and began to 

slowly…cut…each…bite…and…delicately…place it…into…their…mouths.  OMG.  Absolute torture.  My leg started twitching.  I remained calm on the outside, but boy, was I SCREAMING on the inside.  I WANT THAT F’ING PIE!  Thankfully I saved half of my fruit cup and devoured that.  Unfortunately they were still eating the pie and I was salivating and it looked amazing.  I kept telling myself SELF CONTROL ANORA…. I heard a couple of “mmmmm’s.”  I quickly grabbed my phone and started to look up the calories of the pie [because I’m thinking….Okay, I am doing Zumba tonight - I can afford those calories].  I sucked down some water.  Unfortunately the calories were too hard to determine and apple pie ranged from 350 per slice to numbers completely out of my range of eating.  Knowing myself and the guilt I’d feel later if I ate it, I pushed the pie one last time towards the center of the table.  My triumph over the temptations of the pie gave me a little boost of confidence.  Victory!  I have defeated another temptation! 

Although sweets have never really been a huge issue for me [thankfully] I think what happened was a case of knowing that I shouldn’t have it, so I wanted it even more.  I do have my sweet treats and certainly feed my cravings.  I want to make sure that is clear.  [Thank you to whoever created 100 calorie ice cream treats!]  It’s not like I have given up all the foods that I love [except fast food – I have given that up, but that obsession a whole other story], I just stay under my daily calorie allotment.  If I have a large breakfast or a sandwich that has too many calories, I just know that I have to make better choices at dinner so I am still under calories.  It’s like weight watchers, just with more numbers and counting.  Haha.  I’ve learned what is *really* worth the calories for me; which by the way, has changed over time.  I’m a total sucker for sweet tea – so drinking high calorie sweet tea was [At first] totally worth it.  That didn’t last long though, because I found that my body wasn’t getting what it needed nutrition-wise.  So I’ve learned to feed my body what it needs [and wants], just in ways that I feel is worth the calories. 

I know that there is going to be a point when I need to re-evaluate what I’m eating and edit my rules.  For now, this is what’s working for me.  I’m losing about 1-2 pounds per week [about the same in inches] and I’m feeling great.  Once I hit my plateau, I’ll change it up.  Confuse my metabolism and push harder for more.  Someday, there will be a point when I need to stop, and just maintain.  I trust that my dear friends will help to keep me in check – but I do know I’m a *long* way from that point still! 

I have lost 27 pounds and 26 inches.  I am 3 pounds away from reaching my half way point.  I’m feeling pretty excited, motivated and just plain GOOD about myself.  Of course it feels amazing to be complimented and encouraged on my journey, so I thank you everyone for being so supportive and understanding…..understanding that the only topics I can seem to talk about anymore are my kids, my husband or anything health related [running, recipes, calories in food, losing weight…..]! 

To sum this entire blog into one quick tip: Don’t put yourself through the torment of a restricting diet.  Just be aware of what you are eating by using programs like MyFitnessPal, loseit.com, or Weight Watchers.  Feed your body what your body needs and even what it craves [in reasonable doses].  Weigh and measure everything to steer away from over indulging on high calorie items.

12

A friend of mine asked me the other day “what size is your goal size.”  As you know from my previous blog entry, since 2002 I have never been smaller than a size 14.  During the first two years of college at NMU I wore a size 12, I remember one time trying to squeeze into a 10 [It didn’t work out so well].  So, yes, I do have hopes and desires on sizes, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that sort of goal.  I’m just excited to be getting smaller, healthier and confident.

I must say I am super excited to be officially wearing a size 12 today!!  SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT! Here’s the story of new pants:  In need of a new suit coat and pants that aren’t saggy in the ass, I decided to stop and try some things on.  Although I couldn’t find suit coats, I did try on pants.  I naturally grabbed a size 14, tried them on, they fit.  End of story, go make the purchase.  That’s when I heard my dear friend Stacy in my head telling me I should try on the next size down.  So I reluctantly ran out, grabbed a size 12 and tried them on.  I got a little excited when I pulled them up all the way [even passed my thighs!] and then I could feel disappointment building in my chest as I expected for them to not button…..but they DID!  And they fit perfectly.  And that’s when the tears started.  A size 12!?  It’s been about 10 years since I’ve worn a 12.  

On Monday, I started the last week of my Couch to 5K training program and completed 3.1 miles.  Nine weeks ago, I could barely run one minute before I had to walk; now I’m running for 30 minutes straight.  Thirty minutes!  I used to run on and off, but the longest I’ve ever focused on my health was four months back in 2006.  After that there were times where I’d go jogging a couple times a week for a few months, but then I’d create excuses….and stop all together.  This is the first time I’ve actually made a lifestyle change and will not be going back.  I am WORTH  all the hard work I'm putting into myself.  After so many years, I’m starting to see that.  

fear

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can.   For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run

So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulge.  Everyone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.