fear

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can.   For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run

So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulge.  Everyone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.

Beyond the Sweatshirt

Well, it was a beautiful Thursday evening and a scheduled run day.  Every time I run I wear my loose work out pants, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt [with a sexy sweat band too of course].  It’s been cool enough up until this point that I could get away with rolling up the sweatshirt sleeves and only getting a slightly slimy [err…I mean sweaty] back.  i feel most comfortable running all covered up.  I picked up some new workout pants, which fit better than my loose man-pants. 

Since it was a whopping 64 degrees in East Jordan, Michigan at 8 pm last night, I decided to attempt a run sans sweatshirt.  I put on my work out clothes and snapped a couple of quick pictures and sent them to my dear husband [who was headed to work] and actually typed “This is how I’m running tonight and I hope I don’t look like a blob!!”  I definitely still have such a NEGATIVE mind-set with my body image.  He promptly texted back a very complimenting message that gave me enough confidence to just suck it up and run.  Besides [I told myself], you’re running, you’re not in a beauty competition.

So off I went, confidence shrinking the further from my sweatshirt I got.  I always start with a 5 minute warm up walk and end with a 5 minutes cool down walk.  So as I’m walking, I reach the 2^nd block and I notice a car at the stop sign across from me.  [It was a cool looking car with tinted windows.]  I felt a little under the microscope as I realized the car continued forward and slowly drove by me, came around the block and drove by me again.  Honestly, it was probably just some one lost in the metropolis of East Jordan, but either way, I WANTED MY SWEATSHIRT BACK! 

I stayed the course and had an EXCELLENT run – music blaring, feet pounding, and sweat dripping.  I passed another runner [half way through my run] who gave me the thumbs-up; I waved and felt a SMILE spread across my face.  During the last 5 minutes of my run I passed by some people I know and got a huge compliment “You’re my hero!” and I almost jumped out of my skin with excitement.  In those two instances all I could think is…I’m doing this!

So, this is my 2^nd week of running 25 minutes straight [previously I was on a run/walk routine] and I have to say, it feels fantastic.  I have to figure out a new route now though, because I’m up to 2.5 miles and have to do a lot of back tracking.  So that’s next on my agenda! 

Here are the pictures I sent to my husband, Patrick [sorry for the shitty iPhone quality]:

 

Looking at these today, I think I look decent [especially considering where I started this journey].  I think if it was anyone else I’d be more uplifting.  So turning this around and complimenting myself, I would say that I'm starting to LOOK GOOD and my “mommy tummy” […yea, I know, Akira is 4] is disappearing. 

The support I received before making my blog public has been huge to my success: a humongous THANK YOU to the people who have PUSHED me the most the last four months [you know who you are *thumbs up] and of course to my new friends on MFP.

 

After making my blog public, I was surprised by the support [not to mention the compliments *blush*].  I even got some text messages and private messages [on FB] which all TOTALLY made my day and I thank you all for the continued love and support. 

I promise I won’t post pictures of myself every day!  However, knowing that many of you are fighting similar struggles as me [or are just beginning your journey], I hope you find the pictures motivating.  I weigh in on Sunday, so expect another blog from me then.

Until then, keep moving, eat right and support each other.  We all have our battles, no matter our starting size and progress.