Failure

I’ve definitely failed a number of times in my life, but the most disappointing is to fail at the same thing over and over and over.  For me, that is losing weight.

As I entered into High School, I wanted to join the track/cross country team in hopes to jump start into a fit lifestyle.  Unfortunately the school I transferred to didn’t offer those programs.  I tried to run on my own, but without the support from a team or coach, I quickly lost interest. 

Starting college, I knew I needed to make some changes or I’d gain weight.  I was assigned an athletic room-mate, which was inspiring, but since I was closed up, I never asked for support or help from anyone.  In order to stay ‘healthy’ I drank slim fast shakes, took diet pills and went to the gym [on an irregular basis].  That was my smallest size as an adult…I could squeeze myself into a 10.  Sadly, this was what I perceived as healthy only because I didn't have the correct knowledge of how to lose weight and build muscle the right way.

After college [during my first marriage], I was able to stay right about a 12 until I was pregnant with our first baby.  [After babies I ranged between a 14 and an 18.]  I gained 25 pounds during that pregnancy, which I consider decent for a first child.  The problem was that I lost some of it, not all of it….and then I slowly gained it back.  After seeing pictures of myself at Westley’s first birthday party, I decided to join a gym.  I started going to South Side Gym in Charlevoix and worked with the owner Dean.  What an absolute Godsend!  He had me at the gym 6 days a week in no time.  He also helped design a meal plan that was healthy and fulfilling.  In three months, the pounds started melting off and I was getting healthy for the first time in my life.

Then, at the beginning of my fourth month, I found out I was pregnant.  This wasn’t a complete surprise, we had planned this pregnancy, but it wrecked more havoc on my mind, body and spirit than I had ever anticipated.  I slowly tapered going to the gym, until I just wasn’t going at all.  There were other things going on in my life at that time as well….Thankfully through the emotional eating, laziness and pregnancy, I somehow only gained 20 pounds. 

Through the next several years, I worked out on and off – typically running for a few weeks.  I cooked fairly healthy meals most of the time, but never really pushed myself again.  I allowed myself to get wrapped up in everyday life and lost focus of myself [in a lot of ways].  Generally speaking, my weight was in an upward momentum, just a slow one.  I didn’t notice a pound or two here and there until slowly I was at my highest [non-pregnant] weight. 

I have spent the last couple of years working on myself emotionally.  I’ve come to a much better place in my life and greater understanding of myself.  Pathways Seminars has played a huge role in my changes over the last couple of years, helping me to change my thinking patterns.  The support that I receive from my friends at Pathways and the new friends I have made over the past couple of years has helped me to just be the me – the dorky, awkward, silly….real me. 

This past January, I married my best friend [and biggest fan].  After looking at our wedding pictures, my heart sank.  The worst part is that I allowed myself to get to this point.  This time, I reached out for more help than ever before.  Now that I was emotionally happy, I needed to focus on my health.  With the support from my friends Stacy, Tom, and Randi and of course from my husband, I have been able to stick to this change. 

Looking back, I see so many times that I have tried and failed miserably.  I beat myself up over every little mishap.  What I have learned is that by focusing on the fear of failing, I was setting myself up to fail.  Now, I know that I’ll have my bad days.  Overall, by focusing on each day individually and doing my best that day, I have seen a world of difference. 

For example, I stood on the scale this morning to find that I have only lost a ½ of a pound.  Talk about a huge disappointment.  I worked extra hard this week only to find myself at a ½ a pound loss?  In a previous time of my life I would have probably given up slowly, beat myself up or started taking diet pills.  Instead, I’ve realized that I’m building muscle and not every week can be a huge loss.  Am I disappointed, absolutely…but I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing with the knowledge that over all - I have lost a lot [I’m nearly halfway to my goal].  I’ve made some major changes in my life and I’m headed in the right direction.  

Ultimately, I will reach my goal.  Period. 

fear

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can.   For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run

So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulge.  Everyone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.