Failure

I’ve definitely failed a number of times in my life, but the most disappointing is to fail at the same thing over and over and over.  For me, that is losing weight.

As I entered into High School, I wanted to join the track/cross country team in hopes to jump start into a fit lifestyle.  Unfortunately the school I transferred to didn’t offer those programs.  I tried to run on my own, but without the support from a team or coach, I quickly lost interest. 

Starting college, I knew I needed to make some changes or I’d gain weight.  I was assigned an athletic room-mate, which was inspiring, but since I was closed up, I never asked for support or help from anyone.  In order to stay ‘healthy’ I drank slim fast shakes, took diet pills and went to the gym [on an irregular basis].  That was my smallest size as an adult…I could squeeze myself into a 10.  Sadly, this was what I perceived as healthy only because I didn't have the correct knowledge of how to lose weight and build muscle the right way.

After college [during my first marriage], I was able to stay right about a 12 until I was pregnant with our first baby.  [After babies I ranged between a 14 and an 18.]  I gained 25 pounds during that pregnancy, which I consider decent for a first child.  The problem was that I lost some of it, not all of it….and then I slowly gained it back.  After seeing pictures of myself at Westley’s first birthday party, I decided to join a gym.  I started going to South Side Gym in Charlevoix and worked with the owner Dean.  What an absolute Godsend!  He had me at the gym 6 days a week in no time.  He also helped design a meal plan that was healthy and fulfilling.  In three months, the pounds started melting off and I was getting healthy for the first time in my life.

Then, at the beginning of my fourth month, I found out I was pregnant.  This wasn’t a complete surprise, we had planned this pregnancy, but it wrecked more havoc on my mind, body and spirit than I had ever anticipated.  I slowly tapered going to the gym, until I just wasn’t going at all.  There were other things going on in my life at that time as well….Thankfully through the emotional eating, laziness and pregnancy, I somehow only gained 20 pounds. 

Through the next several years, I worked out on and off – typically running for a few weeks.  I cooked fairly healthy meals most of the time, but never really pushed myself again.  I allowed myself to get wrapped up in everyday life and lost focus of myself [in a lot of ways].  Generally speaking, my weight was in an upward momentum, just a slow one.  I didn’t notice a pound or two here and there until slowly I was at my highest [non-pregnant] weight. 

I have spent the last couple of years working on myself emotionally.  I’ve come to a much better place in my life and greater understanding of myself.  Pathways Seminars has played a huge role in my changes over the last couple of years, helping me to change my thinking patterns.  The support that I receive from my friends at Pathways and the new friends I have made over the past couple of years has helped me to just be the me – the dorky, awkward, silly….real me. 

This past January, I married my best friend [and biggest fan].  After looking at our wedding pictures, my heart sank.  The worst part is that I allowed myself to get to this point.  This time, I reached out for more help than ever before.  Now that I was emotionally happy, I needed to focus on my health.  With the support from my friends Stacy, Tom, and Randi and of course from my husband, I have been able to stick to this change. 

Looking back, I see so many times that I have tried and failed miserably.  I beat myself up over every little mishap.  What I have learned is that by focusing on the fear of failing, I was setting myself up to fail.  Now, I know that I’ll have my bad days.  Overall, by focusing on each day individually and doing my best that day, I have seen a world of difference. 

For example, I stood on the scale this morning to find that I have only lost a ½ of a pound.  Talk about a huge disappointment.  I worked extra hard this week only to find myself at a ½ a pound loss?  In a previous time of my life I would have probably given up slowly, beat myself up or started taking diet pills.  Instead, I’ve realized that I’m building muscle and not every week can be a huge loss.  Am I disappointed, absolutely…but I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing with the knowledge that over all - I have lost a lot [I’m nearly halfway to my goal].  I’ve made some major changes in my life and I’m headed in the right direction.  

Ultimately, I will reach my goal.  Period. 

Resisting the Pie

I love attending business luncheons.  I get to see people who I don’t have time to see regularly, meet new people and eat amazing food.  This past Tuesday I went to the Connecting Women in Business Luncheon hosted by the Petoskey Chamber of Commerce.  They always have such fantastic speakers; this month was Steve Rudolf on Time Management VS Priority/Energy Management.  What a perfect topic as everyone in the Hospitality Industry gears up for another busy summer – always too short on fun family time, and crazy busy with work, work, work. 

Upon arriving to the luncheon, there was a delicious piece of apple pie and a cup of mixed fruit sitting at each place setting.  In my head I had already told myself that I didn’t have room in my calories and it wasn’t going to fuel my body in a good way.  After lunch [yummy quiche] was finished, everyone at my table grabbed their pies and began to 

slowly…cut…each…bite…and…delicately…place it…into…their…mouths.  OMG.  Absolute torture.  My leg started twitching.  I remained calm on the outside, but boy, was I SCREAMING on the inside.  I WANT THAT F’ING PIE!  Thankfully I saved half of my fruit cup and devoured that.  Unfortunately they were still eating the pie and I was salivating and it looked amazing.  I kept telling myself SELF CONTROL ANORA…. I heard a couple of “mmmmm’s.”  I quickly grabbed my phone and started to look up the calories of the pie [because I’m thinking….Okay, I am doing Zumba tonight - I can afford those calories].  I sucked down some water.  Unfortunately the calories were too hard to determine and apple pie ranged from 350 per slice to numbers completely out of my range of eating.  Knowing myself and the guilt I’d feel later if I ate it, I pushed the pie one last time towards the center of the table.  My triumph over the temptations of the pie gave me a little boost of confidence.  Victory!  I have defeated another temptation! 

Although sweets have never really been a huge issue for me [thankfully] I think what happened was a case of knowing that I shouldn’t have it, so I wanted it even more.  I do have my sweet treats and certainly feed my cravings.  I want to make sure that is clear.  [Thank you to whoever created 100 calorie ice cream treats!]  It’s not like I have given up all the foods that I love [except fast food – I have given that up, but that obsession a whole other story], I just stay under my daily calorie allotment.  If I have a large breakfast or a sandwich that has too many calories, I just know that I have to make better choices at dinner so I am still under calories.  It’s like weight watchers, just with more numbers and counting.  Haha.  I’ve learned what is *really* worth the calories for me; which by the way, has changed over time.  I’m a total sucker for sweet tea – so drinking high calorie sweet tea was [At first] totally worth it.  That didn’t last long though, because I found that my body wasn’t getting what it needed nutrition-wise.  So I’ve learned to feed my body what it needs [and wants], just in ways that I feel is worth the calories. 

I know that there is going to be a point when I need to re-evaluate what I’m eating and edit my rules.  For now, this is what’s working for me.  I’m losing about 1-2 pounds per week [about the same in inches] and I’m feeling great.  Once I hit my plateau, I’ll change it up.  Confuse my metabolism and push harder for more.  Someday, there will be a point when I need to stop, and just maintain.  I trust that my dear friends will help to keep me in check – but I do know I’m a *long* way from that point still! 

I have lost 27 pounds and 26 inches.  I am 3 pounds away from reaching my half way point.  I’m feeling pretty excited, motivated and just plain GOOD about myself.  Of course it feels amazing to be complimented and encouraged on my journey, so I thank you everyone for being so supportive and understanding…..understanding that the only topics I can seem to talk about anymore are my kids, my husband or anything health related [running, recipes, calories in food, losing weight…..]! 

To sum this entire blog into one quick tip: Don’t put yourself through the torment of a restricting diet.  Just be aware of what you are eating by using programs like MyFitnessPal, loseit.com, or Weight Watchers.  Feed your body what your body needs and even what it craves [in reasonable doses].  Weigh and measure everything to steer away from over indulging on high calorie items.

12

A friend of mine asked me the other day “what size is your goal size.”  As you know from my previous blog entry, since 2002 I have never been smaller than a size 14.  During the first two years of college at NMU I wore a size 12, I remember one time trying to squeeze into a 10 [It didn’t work out so well].  So, yes, I do have hopes and desires on sizes, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that sort of goal.  I’m just excited to be getting smaller, healthier and confident.

I must say I am super excited to be officially wearing a size 12 today!!  SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT! Here’s the story of new pants:  In need of a new suit coat and pants that aren’t saggy in the ass, I decided to stop and try some things on.  Although I couldn’t find suit coats, I did try on pants.  I naturally grabbed a size 14, tried them on, they fit.  End of story, go make the purchase.  That’s when I heard my dear friend Stacy in my head telling me I should try on the next size down.  So I reluctantly ran out, grabbed a size 12 and tried them on.  I got a little excited when I pulled them up all the way [even passed my thighs!] and then I could feel disappointment building in my chest as I expected for them to not button…..but they DID!  And they fit perfectly.  And that’s when the tears started.  A size 12!?  It’s been about 10 years since I’ve worn a 12.  

On Monday, I started the last week of my Couch to 5K training program and completed 3.1 miles.  Nine weeks ago, I could barely run one minute before I had to walk; now I’m running for 30 minutes straight.  Thirty minutes!  I used to run on and off, but the longest I’ve ever focused on my health was four months back in 2006.  After that there were times where I’d go jogging a couple times a week for a few months, but then I’d create excuses….and stop all together.  This is the first time I’ve actually made a lifestyle change and will not be going back.  I am WORTH  all the hard work I'm putting into myself.  After so many years, I’m starting to see that.  

fear

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~Earl Nightingale

This quote has been a driving force in my recent lifestyle changes [well, that and the support from my husband, friends, family and mfp]. I've tried losing weight before, you know, the “quick way” and it never fails - I gain it all back, plus some [so maybe I should say, it always fails...].  This time it's different and I'm looking at losing weight as the quote says – time is going to pass anyway, so I may as well make each day the best that I can.   For a long time in my life, I allowed Fear to hold me back from accomplishing things or feeling successful or good about myself. 

Today was a run day for me, but my husband was working and my mother-in-law was house sitting – so I had no one to watch the kids for a half hour.  In a previous time in my life, I would have just couched it. But instead I told the kids that we’d go to the school and picnic – they could play on the playground and I’d run on the track [thank you Jessica for that idea].  As we started getting closer to the playground I noticed that there were a TON of people there, so I decided that I’d just go for a walk instead and take the kids to the other park in town.  It was really nice for the kids to play and picnic [which they always love to do].  Then after play time, I started walking the rest of my normal run route.  Westley asked me why I wasn’t going to run and I said that I’d have to run tomorrow instead.  The question kept rolling around in my head, “why am I not running now…?”  I thought through a few logical reasons, which none of added up to a satisfactory excuse!  So, I started running.  I pushed over 100 pounds and I ran my entire C25K  Program [Week 8, Day 2].  The kids were fantastic motivators too!  Go faster Mommy!!!   After my run (and the excruciating walk up Division’s Giant Hill) I was definitely tired, but it felt SO amazing to not allow fear to hold me back!  I DID IT.  YES……ME, I DID!!

Before the runAfter the run

So to prelude into the second part of my blog about fear, let me tell you, I’ve been looking at dresses online – preparing for our reception/housewarming party next month – I was looking at the actual measurements for sizing [I’ve learned that’s just how you really should shop].  The first dress I ordered for our January Wedding was too small.  Patrick and I had decided to move our wedding 8 months closer, so I had to order a new [much larger] dress.  In comparing measurements for the dress I wore on our wedding date, to the measurements that I am today, I realized that I’d be ordering a dress 4 [yes FOUR] sizes smaller than my wedding dress.  The original dress I ordered [but sold since I couldn’t return it] would ALSO be too large for me by one size. 

So that leads me into the other fear that has been popping up lately…the fear of being thin.  WHAT?!  I know, maybe it sounds ridiculous.  But take into consideration that I’ve never been skinny   or fit, at least not long enough for it to matter [3 months of a diet that didn’t stick, doesn’t count to me].  Honestly, other than the time period that I attended NMU [2000-2003], I’ve never been smaller than the size I’m currently wearing; upon my graduation from NMU in 2003 through today - I’ve worn a size 14 or larger.  Now, as some of my size 14s are starting to get loose on me, I feel excited, yet a giant pang of fear bursts through my chest.  Sudden realization – I’ve been overweight [basically] my entire adult life….What will it be like to feel like I actually look good?  What will it be like to be fit and thin?  What will it be like to wear clothes from the cute stores I always just window shopped? 

Since this process of getting fit and healthy isn’t an overnight dream-come-true and I have to work really hard to get in shape –sweat, tears, blisters, and soreness.  I’m grateful for every pound lost and this time it’s different because I will succeed at this never-ending battle of the bulge.  Everyone has their story – people succeed, regress into bad habits, give up, fail but regardless of the story, the moral will always be: Keep fighting the battle; never give up regardless of the time it takes.

unMotivated

The last few days I’ve been allowing stress to motivate me…..to not work-out. 

GAH!

The last three days, it’s been like pulling teeth to get myself to work-out; thankfully I have people in my life who do push me when I can’t seem to get moving.  Patrick and I walked two of those days.  It’s a good thing I have him because otherwise I think I would have found a HOLE, crawled in and hid myself….for days. 

My weigh-in yesterday proved my lethargic nature the past few days – I only lost 1 [yes…one] pound.  Well, TECHNICALLY 1.2 pounds.  I know I shouldn't be upset, at least I did lose a pound, but because I lost so much the week before, I expected more.  As my Mother told me, at least it’s a loss and not a gain - so true.  Thanks Mom J

Today, when I got home from work, I was so tired I just couldn’t get myself to run.  Patrick tells me, “Honey, you have to run!  I’ll even get your work-out clothes.”  So as he goes upstairs to get my clothes for me, I snuck into the kids’ room and passed out on Akira’s bed.  He let me sleep for 15-20 minutes which was enough to get me up and moving.  I did my run and it felt good.  Then later we walked for an hour.  

So my advice is: surround yourself with people who will push you to do better than you think you can do.  If I was all alone yesterday, I certainly would have talked myself out of running, but Patrick didn’t allow me to settle for anything less than what he knows I can accomplish. 

Thought I’d provide a little motivation with picture this time.  Here are a couple of before and current pictures of Patrick and me together:

Christmas 2010

May 8, 2011

January 15, 2011

May 8, 2011

I have lost 25 pounds [and 25 inches] and Patrick has lost 23 pounds!   

Doesn't he look great!?  So proud of my husband [who, by the way, had no intention of losing weight, but by supporting me got 'into' it]  

We have turned our lifestyle around from bad habits and bad eating to healthy eating, staying active and supporting each other [and our friends] to do the same!  Oh, and we both quit smoking!  It's a wonderful life!  

http://www.jillianmichaels.com/fitness-and-diet-tips/stress-and-metabolism?xid=nl_LosingItWithJillianMichaels_20110517  

in - spi - ra - tion

Recently, I shared my [once] secret blog to the world, making myself extremely vulnerable and exposed.  Being open about my progress has made me realize that instead of being judged [which was my fear], by being open and honest, it has inspired and motivated others.  I'm assuming people are judging me [when they aren't] because I'm too critical of myself.

To be called an inspiration is such an honor.  Thank you to each and everyone one of you.  I plan to continue to be an inspiration and motivator!  In the last week I have re-read through my blogs and realized how far I have come.  One year ago, I was struggling, falling off the wagon [yet again].  This year, I jumped in with two feet [I'm never going back] and asked for accountability and support from my husband and close friends. 

How are you doing it!?

I started out in January with counting calories.  In February, I added walking and did the 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels.  In March, after I recovered from Pneumonia, I bumped it up and started a Couch to 5k running program [3 days per week of running]. I'm starting week 8!  Patrick and I also walk 3 miles 4 days per week [or at least as much as we can].  I try to squeeze in zumba and swimming when I can.  After my first [running] 5K in June, I'm going to add another day of running per week. 

The biggest help has been counting my calories using My Fitness Pal [also an app on my iPhone].  We don't eat any fast food, I never go over my calories and only sometimes eat back my allotted exercise calories [especially when I exercise more than once per day].  MFP [myfitnesspal] has a 'community' with message boards which has been an endless source of knowledge and support as well!  If you join, please ADD me: amo13

In short: 
I started slow, kept adding more....and here I am!
As of today, I am down 25 pounds, 25 inches and can run for 25 minutes!  [wow...this week is all about 25!]

Beyond the Sweatshirt

Well, it was a beautiful Thursday evening and a scheduled run day.  Every time I run I wear my loose work out pants, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt [with a sexy sweat band too of course].  It’s been cool enough up until this point that I could get away with rolling up the sweatshirt sleeves and only getting a slightly slimy [err…I mean sweaty] back.  i feel most comfortable running all covered up.  I picked up some new workout pants, which fit better than my loose man-pants. 

Since it was a whopping 64 degrees in East Jordan, Michigan at 8 pm last night, I decided to attempt a run sans sweatshirt.  I put on my work out clothes and snapped a couple of quick pictures and sent them to my dear husband [who was headed to work] and actually typed “This is how I’m running tonight and I hope I don’t look like a blob!!”  I definitely still have such a NEGATIVE mind-set with my body image.  He promptly texted back a very complimenting message that gave me enough confidence to just suck it up and run.  Besides [I told myself], you’re running, you’re not in a beauty competition.

So off I went, confidence shrinking the further from my sweatshirt I got.  I always start with a 5 minute warm up walk and end with a 5 minutes cool down walk.  So as I’m walking, I reach the 2^nd block and I notice a car at the stop sign across from me.  [It was a cool looking car with tinted windows.]  I felt a little under the microscope as I realized the car continued forward and slowly drove by me, came around the block and drove by me again.  Honestly, it was probably just some one lost in the metropolis of East Jordan, but either way, I WANTED MY SWEATSHIRT BACK! 

I stayed the course and had an EXCELLENT run – music blaring, feet pounding, and sweat dripping.  I passed another runner [half way through my run] who gave me the thumbs-up; I waved and felt a SMILE spread across my face.  During the last 5 minutes of my run I passed by some people I know and got a huge compliment “You’re my hero!” and I almost jumped out of my skin with excitement.  In those two instances all I could think is…I’m doing this!

So, this is my 2^nd week of running 25 minutes straight [previously I was on a run/walk routine] and I have to say, it feels fantastic.  I have to figure out a new route now though, because I’m up to 2.5 miles and have to do a lot of back tracking.  So that’s next on my agenda! 

Here are the pictures I sent to my husband, Patrick [sorry for the shitty iPhone quality]:

 

Looking at these today, I think I look decent [especially considering where I started this journey].  I think if it was anyone else I’d be more uplifting.  So turning this around and complimenting myself, I would say that I'm starting to LOOK GOOD and my “mommy tummy” […yea, I know, Akira is 4] is disappearing. 

The support I received before making my blog public has been huge to my success: a humongous THANK YOU to the people who have PUSHED me the most the last four months [you know who you are *thumbs up] and of course to my new friends on MFP.

 

After making my blog public, I was surprised by the support [not to mention the compliments *blush*].  I even got some text messages and private messages [on FB] which all TOTALLY made my day and I thank you all for the continued love and support. 

I promise I won’t post pictures of myself every day!  However, knowing that many of you are fighting similar struggles as me [or are just beginning your journey], I hope you find the pictures motivating.  I weigh in on Sunday, so expect another blog from me then.

Until then, keep moving, eat right and support each other.  We all have our battles, no matter our starting size and progress.   

This CANNOT be me!?

First I want to say, as of today, I've lost 23 pounds and 25 inches.

I was so proud when I put on these particular pants a few weeks ago...used my "tummy sucker thing" to let them fit perfectly, strutted into the office.  I felt pretty awesome wearing these pants.  Especially since the last time I tried to wear them they wouldn't even come up past my thighs!

On occasion I will wear them, but not terribly often because I hate wearing the "tummy sucker thing."  I decided to give them a shot today fresh out of the wash.  I successfully pulled them on with no "tummy sucker thing" and they are loose in my waist and thighs.  It feels great to wear them to work today knowing that I'm wearing them without any support from undergarments and they are loose!

I do not own a full length mirror, but I caught a glimpse of my reflection in my work window and had to share in my excitement.  This can't be me!?  I should be far more bulgy and lumpy.  I quickly flipped through some photos of me from 2009 when I bought my new car and was wearing the same outfit (the last time I can remember really wearing this outfit).  It was tight on me through the thighs then.  The pants fit me better now than they did before! :o

This is me in 2009 when I bought my car.
You can see my reflection in the car.
The pants are tight through my thighs.
And my shirt is a little tight.

This is me today!  My pants are loose, my shirt is loose.  I'm in shock!

It's Time to Celebrate!

I'd like to take a moment to review my successes since January 17th:

1) I have lost 20 pounds
2) I have lost 20 inches
3) I have QUIT smoking
4) I have given up fast food
5) I exercise [in some way] every day

These are some REAL big successes and I'm celebrating [via blog].

I've decided that at each 20 pound loss, I'm going to capture my success by taking my picture in my wedding dress - as reminder of my [heaviest] starting point and how far I have come!